If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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