Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
not ubering you a puppy
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
