Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
