My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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