I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
