Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
