please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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