I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
