Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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