If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
