I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
