i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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