you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
