i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
