i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
