Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
