i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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