Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
