I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
