I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think my vagina is haunted
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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