I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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