Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
