i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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