I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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