I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
