when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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