His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
