The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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