My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
