I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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