for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
