You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
