No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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