Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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