i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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