I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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