Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
