Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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