I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
