Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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