The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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