i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
