Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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