the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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