i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
