Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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