why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
