Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
