Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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