I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
